So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
