She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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