I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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