I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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