Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
