This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.