My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I've blown a few things in my day
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?