3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.