I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
