i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
