Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
