i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
