it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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