hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
