everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
