my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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