Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
