Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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