dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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