You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
