had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
