The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
