Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
