Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
