Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
