listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
