Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
even my farts smell like vagina
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
