I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
