his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
