man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
