someone threw a dead crab at me
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
