Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
