Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
