have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
