Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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