Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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