I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
