I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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