she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
