hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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