Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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