If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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