just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
