is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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