toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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