Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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