I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
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Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
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I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis