dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
