i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Hungover. No words. Just memes.