i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
