Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
