My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Be still, my beating vagina.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
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