when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
