i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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