I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
