Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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