The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
