Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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