guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
