she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
