I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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