So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize