Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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