Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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