he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
