If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My ATM looks so different sober.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
